And So It Begins - The Story

Up until recently, I was always lucky enough to know exactly what I wanted to do with my life. Everything that was happening to me felt magical.  I had a "cool" punk rock boyfriend with a great sense of style who awoke in me this love for dressing and made me feel beautiful.  My uncle happened to be an incredible tailor/dressmaker who was open to letting me apprentice with him. The only thing standing in my way was my parent's insistence that I pursue a "real" degree before I went and studied a hobby that might not make me any money.  So, I did as I was told (luckily) and went to Berkeley for a BS in Business, which I didn't appreciate at the time but miss terribly now.  Then I was on my way to study Fashion Design in London. While studying, I was able to intern at two of my favourite design houses at the time, Alexander Mcqueen and Christopher Kane.

I will admit, moving to London was no easy task at first.  My heart broke everytime I had to leave home to go to the airport.  As summer vacation wound to an end, I would sit in my room crying and debating to my best friend about whether or not I should finish my degree which I honestly thought was sinking me into what I felt was an irreversible depression.  Eventually, as with most things in life, everything worked out.  I fell madly in love with a handsome photographer and stayed in London after graduation.

This is where everything starts to get confusing for me. I was and still am sure, that my role in this lifetime, is not to work for design house (unless it's my own).  As much as I adore and love the heritage and beautiful craftsmanship of a house, I could not stomache the idea of not being able to control my working hours for bad pay and working behind the scenes.  Afterall, what is the point of working so hard if you can't even enjoy the lifestyle you're working so hard to promote to others?  

I decided to try out for a young designer's platform and made it to the finals.  It was a life changing experience which basically destroyed my faith in myself.  I was not able to produce a collection which lived up to my illustrations and research and disappointed both myself and the people who gave me a chance.  More importantly, it made it very clear that London was not a place I could have a label as I relied heavily on my Uncle to save the day.  

The painful memory of my sunken face (I couldn't eat from the stress) has faded away slowly but perhaps the fear has not. Though I'm still grateful daily for the wonderful opportunities and people I've been blessed with, I want more than anything to find what I am passionate about again.  On random days, inspiration will hit.  I'll rant about quality and craftsmanship but the idea of doing another collection and sourcing really doesn't pull me out of bed the way it used to.

As a result, I've decided, in order for me to move on and fix my problem, FOCUS is key.  The way I met the love of my life was inspired by the film Practical Magic.  When Sally did a spell for the man of her dreams, she had no limits because she didn't actually want him to ever show up.  She basically just let her wish go into the universe and never thought about it again.  That seems to always be the way you get exactly what you want.

And so, here is the journey I must take to find my passion and purpose again.  Daily entries of anything and everything that might give me a hint or a push towards the right path again.